I haven't write about my thoughts and feelings for a very long time. It has been only few times I even have but I've enjoyed it a lot, and now I feel I want to write more. My spirits has been low lately. I had super fun with my friends at Saturday but now I feel melancholic. It feels weird. I doesn't feel lonely or sad. I don't know how I really feel. Maybe is this autumn depression? Most of the yellow leaves has fallen down and I can see only the grey sky behind the empty trees. But then it is one of my favorite things about the fall. I like how sad it is, and it's not even November yet., which by the way, has to be my favorite month. Can you believe it?
I won't say I'm depressed but my mood is not normal either. I feel I'm in prison. I'm stuck. I need to get out of here. I need fresh air. I need to get lost to find myself again. I want to say my family and friends good byes and fly away for a while. I want to see the world. I want to improve myself. I want to grow up a bit more. Ooh so many things I want but then, I'm not sure do I really want all that. I'm not shy or scared but I'm not ready for something so radical either. I won't ever be, the time will never be the right. Well, thats something I will never find out because I won't stay and wait the perfect moment to come. Maybe time could be much better later, but we can know that only later in the future.
One thing sure is I won't go anywhere before the summer when my military service ends. I am flying to Stockholm to take the högskoleprovet next week, which gives me ability to apply to universities in Sweden, but that doesn't count. It's not a vacation. I'm so stressed out about the exam and my future. Those are probably the major reasons my mood has fallen down.
These are the first pictures taken by my friend Iina. It's funny how embarrassing I felt behind the camera that day. I'm so used to stand in front and behind the camera that I don't even care anymore what people think about it, but that day was horrible. The next day we shoot more pictures and everything was fine. I strike a pose when the son asked his mum: "what are they doing?" and kept on taking the pictures when giggling girls passed us. But that day we took these pictures I was very self-conscious. It felt like the very firs time I was in front of the camera: akward with know idea what I' was doing and no control on it. The feeling I had was quite similar with the feeling I have now.